One Big Happy Home

A few weeks ago we heard Jayne Schooler author of Wounded Children, Healing Homes speak at a conference. She discussed parent’s expectations and foster/adoptive children’s beliefs around the same issues. Very helpful and eye opening.

Parent’s thoughts are first, kids responses are in parenthesis and italicized.

1. Our love will be enough; it will be returned and appreciated (I don’t deserve love and care; I am damaged goods)
2. We will feel love and connection to this child quickly (I’m not sure I’m safe here or can trust you; adults cause pain)
3. This child will step into our family system and easily learn how to function within our rules, goals, and ambitions (I don’t understand your rules; I’ll never fit in here)
4. This child’s needs will be just like those of our biological children (I’m not like your other kids and it’s not fair to compare)
5. Our biological children will embrace this child as a sibling (Your other kids don’t like me and they get me in trouble)
6. Our child will fit well into our family and be welcomed (Relatives don’t like me as much as the other kids)
7. Our friends will validate and support us as adoptive parents (We don’t go places like we used to and everyone blames me)
8. Our child will see us as parents and forget about birth family (I need to talk about my birth family and my losses)
9. We can do for this child what was not done for us. We will not do to this child what was done to us (If I can’t be what you want me to be, you will abandon me)
10. I’ll never feel regrets or ambivalence about this adoption (I never wanted to be adopted anyway)

Jayne’s Power Point is available by clicking here.

Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a great definition of success a long time ago. Which is good because that’s when he was alive.

That Man is a Success
Who has lived well,
laughed often and loved much;
Who has gained the respect of intelligent men
and the love of children;
Who has filled his niche
and accomplished his task;
Who leaves the world better than he found it,
whether by improved poppy, a perfect poem,
or a rescued soul;
Who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty
or failed to express it.
Who looked for the best in others
and gave the best he had.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.  (Genesis 1:1-5 NIV)

And so on and so on. Each of the six days of creation the Lord makes something good. He created land, oceans, plants, trees, sun, moon, stars, and creatures of the sea, birds, land animals and finally people. The Lord made all of those things and he made them good. That’s why we long for a return to Eden. It was good.

But people are never truly happy when things are good. We’ve got to mess things up. And that’s exactly what Adam and Eve did. Perfection wasn’t good enough and so like the rest of us they wanted what they were told they could not have. So they ate the fruit that the Lord told them not to eat. Sin and suffering entered the world because of their rebellion.

This brings me to a moment I had when we got the news that we lost our baby. In the midst of the pain and sadness my mind looked for some comfort. I found some peace in knowing that we are living in a world we were not designed to live in. We were made for a different world, a perfect world. We were not designed to live in this decay where suffering and pain. We were meant to live where there are no tears. That is of great comfort to me, that brings me peace. What brings me hope is knowing that there is a great day coming, a day of restoration when things are set right.

Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together. (Isaiah 40:4-5 NIV)

Amen.

Nothing ever prepares you for the deep sadness of losing a child.  Last December we had to say goodbye to a precious little boy we had hoped to keep forever.  He was a foster child in our home for 7 months and we were told we would be able to adopt him.  God had other plans.  He was reunited with his family.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we knew that God had a plan for his life.  We couldn’t understand it at the time, but we see now that he is happy and healthy in his new home.  His aunt has been gracious enough to allow us to still keep in touch and even see him on occasion.  We look forward to being part of his life for many years to come.  Not as his parents, but as a family who loves and prays for him.

Last week we experienced another loss of a child.  This child was growing in my womb.  This child we had only seen as a little blurry spot on a sonogram.  We had heard a strong heart beat and I had felt my stomach growing.  I had experienced the nausea and exhaustion that comes in the first trimester.  The other kids had come up with many names for him or her.  The one that seemed to stick with them was Elvis.  There was never a hint that anything was wrong until last weekend.  A little spotting…a little cramping.  The nurse said it was nothing to worry about.  I continued to get ready for the start of school.  God brought this verse to my head over and over again

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

We prayed for the baby.  We prayed that all would be well.  On Tuesday evening it was clear that everything was not okay.  I called my doctor and she said that,”It doesn’t sound good.”  She told me to rest that night and come in first thing in the morning.  I didn’t get much rest at all that night.  We cried a lot…we prayed a lot.  We lost our baby that night.  The next day we went to the doctor who confirmed our fears.  That was a hard day for our family.  So much sadness over a baby we never got to hold.  The rest of the verse kept coming to my head…

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have certainly felt God’s peace this week.  I don’t understand it, but He has put His arms around us and shown us that it will be okay.  I still cry a lot.  I think about the baby I never got to see.  I think about how our life could have been different. I look forward to the day I will get to see this baby and hold him/her in my arms.

Being a foster parent is hard. I thought it would be easier when we started fostering all those years ago. And to some degree it was easier. We were younger. We didn’t have any other kids. Starry eyed idealists I guess.

But things are changing. We’re getting older. We have three kids now and there don’t seem to be any kids without medical, emotional or behavioral issues in the system.

The emotional roller-coaster for both our family and our placements is difficult at best. I can’t imagine the trauma of another “new” home. Sometimes our kids don’t quite understand the screaming and temper tantrums. Sometimes I don’t understand the screaming and temper tantrums either. But I know that the Lord has each of these kids in our home for a purpose and we will be faithful to our calling as a family.

As a preemie, weighing only 1 lb. at birth, you can be sure that our girl is quite a fighter! She went through many surgeries, hospitalizations and medications in her first few years. Now she is a happy, healthy 6 year old who is ready for anything!

To say that our foster care journey with her was a roller coaster would be an understatement. I remember many nights standing beside her crib, holding her and crying because I didn’t want to put her down. I was so afraid that each day would be the last that we had with her. A wise friend, and former foster mom, said to me that we never know how many days God will give us with any of our children (foster, adopted, biological) so we should enjoy each day. I tried very hard to remember that advice, but it was so hard in the moment.

I remember one Monday afternoon when CPS called and said they were moving her to another home to be closer to her birth mom. I was devastated! I began sobbing and trying to come up with alternate plans that would keep her in our home. Eventually it was decided that staying in our home would be the best for now. This went on for about 2 years.

Then something wonderful happened…we decided to reach out to her birth mom. Up to this point we had been too scared. We had met her on several occasions, but had never invite her into our life. Eventually she saw what a bond we had with Banana Girl and how loved she was in our family, and her birth mom asked us to adopt her. What a privilege it was to get to know this precious mom who sacrificed for the well being of her daughter!! We have a very open adoption where we see and talk to her birth mom on a regular basis. We adore her and are so grateful for the gift she gave us. We did not understand why we were on this roller coaster ride, but God brought us through it in His perfect time…not ours. A friend of mine wrote this wonderful article about birth moms and their significance in our family.