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Worked for us Wednesday: Trust Bank

25 Apr

We’ve decided, to keep us posting regularly, to start something called Worked For Us Wednesday. We’ll be posting different things we have tried and had success with. Whether that be a new recipe, a parenting idea, a school project, etc…if it worked for us we want to share it with you! :-)

We stress to our kChild with a piggy bankids the importance of being trustworthy.  If we can trust them with small stuff (ie: doing chores, following instructions) then when they want more responsibility and more privileges we will be able to trust them with those.* When the kids are following directions and doing what they should be, we often will say to them, “Great Job!  You just earned money in the trust bank! Cha Ching!” Then when we ask them to do something and they don’t follow through, we say, “Oh no!  You just took money out of the trust bank.”

The girls especially liked this image and wanted to add money to the trust bank. So, we decided to create an actual “trust bank” for the kids to add to each day. We thought that in order to have them encourage one another and work together it should be one bank that they all contribute to. We got two jars and filled one with tokens (you could use beans, pasta, slips of paper, etc…nothing fancy needed) and left the other empty.  Anytime the kids follow directions cheerfully and right away, they earn a token in the “trust bank.” Whenever they do something we always ask them to do (ie: put away things when they are done without being asked, help out a sibling, show kindness, etc) they earn a token as well. When the jar gets 20 tokens in it they get to choose a privilege. Some of the privileges they can earn are candy, TV, video game time, and bike riding. They each get to choose one privilege that they can save for later or redeem immediately.

It has been so great to see them work together and do the things they are supposed to do. I much prefer to be the mom who rewards and encourages her kids to do the things they know to do, than the mom who nags and screams to get her children to do these things. It has worked for us!

*His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

- Matthew 25:21 (NIV)

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2012 in Home, Parenting

 

Empowering your kids is, well, Empowering

06 Apr

The reason we are big proponents of Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) at our house is that it works for everyone. It doesn’t matter if the children are adopted, birth or foster this stuff just works. Perhaps an explanation of our family dynamics would help to illustrate the point. I’ll be brief.

Child with capeWe have three children. Tori was our first placement. She came home after four months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). We adopted her three years, one month and five days later. She has never lived with her birth family and has not lived in any foster home other than ours.

Tyler entered foster care when he was 18 months old. He was three and a half years when he came home. We adopted him on National Adoption Day that year. He lived with his birth family and one other foster family before ours.

Brooklyn is three and our youngest. She had a mildly traumatic delivery and she spent her first night on earth in the NICU. She has never lived with anyone but us.

I love how empowering our kids leads to better outcomes for them and therefore us as well. I am often shocked at how willing we are to thump our heads against the wall instead of embracing these strategies. I guess old habits die hard and so we just go with what we know.

Case 1: Tyler
Whenever our kids played in the back yard Tyler would find a reason to come into the house every 5 minutes. He would either need something to drink or eat. Sometimes he would need the bathroom and other times he had questions that just couldn’t wait. Being good parents we would tell him that he needed to play outside and only to come when he was called or if someone was hurt. After all he needed to obey us so he needed to not come inside every five minutes. As you might well expect this approach yielded no positive outcomes.

But then one day we told Tyler that it was OK to come inside anytime he wanted because we learned that he was coming to check if we were still there. What we saw as disobedience was really anxiety. By giving him permission to check on us we reduced his anxiety which in turn caused him to check less. We have seen so many changes in this area that the boy who once couldn’t be more than three feet from us in public now rides his bicycle to baseball practice.

Case 2: Brooklyn
Little Brooklyn had been waking up five out of every seven nights a week around 3:30am for the last eighteen months. She would come to our room, knock on the door and say, “guys, is anybody in there?” I would get up, ask her what was wrong (she was scared every time) and try to take her back to bed. I would succeed sometimes, but mostly she would end up in our bed or on the floor on a pallet.

Every night at bed time we would tell her that she needed to stay in her bed. We would pray and ask God to help her sleep through the night (a prayer more for her ears than the Lord’s I am ashamed to admit) and, surprisingly, there was no difference in the outcome. Brooklyn would still knock on our door around 3:30 most mornings with the familiar “guys, is anybody in there?”

But then one night we told Brooklyn at bed time that if she was scared she needed to come and find us. That first night she came to our door but since then the frequency has decreased dramatically. Part of the reason Brooklyn kept waking up was because she knew I wanted her to stay in her bed rather than come seek comfort. By giving her permission to come to us we reduced her anxiety which in turn allowed her to sleep easier. Giving permission (empowering) reduces anxiety. A lesson we learned all too slowly with our kids.

Such a simple thing to give our children less anxiety. We have seen this work with many of the children in our home over the last couple years. Identifying the root of the “disobedience” (anxiety in these cases) which leads to real solutions. Empowering our kids helps them be an active participant in their own healing.

People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. – Mark 10:13-16 (NIV)

 
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Posted by on April 6, 2012 in Adopt, Foster, Home, Parenting

 

Foster the People

05 Mar

Last Monday we opened our home to a twenty one month old little boy and his four day old sister. Being the home kids are placed in immediately after they are removed from their families is very surreal. It almost feels like you’re watching a movie. I can only start to imagine how traumatic it must be for the kids.shoes

Little man is not yet two, his primary language is not English and he was the combination of sad and confused when he arrived. He clung to the case worker while the rest of the adults signed a stack of forms in triplicate. Fortunately our nine year old son is a master at making new kids feel welcome. I guess that they can tell that he means them no harm and so they connect with him in a moment.

Baby girl was taken from the hospital and brought directly to our house. She has never been with her family at all. They, other than mom, met her for the first time on Friday at their weekly two hour visit.

Both he and she are very sweet. He clearly is bonded with his family and has some difficulty at bed time. She is a new born and needs to be fed every three hours.

There is significantly more anxiety being an adoption motivated foster parent than there is being a foster parent. When you are adoption motivated you are concerned about the outcome for both you and the child in your care. Being straight foster removes my personal anxiety and allows me to completely care about the outcome for the child. What we need is not only more families who want to adopt and but more families who only want to foster as well. Because both are found in the Lord’s words in Mark chapter 9.

He took a little child whom he placed among them. Taking the child in his arms, he said to them, “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me.” – Mark 9:36-37 (NIV)

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2012 in Foster, Home, Parenting

 

A Fist Full of Dollars

20 Feb

One DollarWe are all aware that a dollar doesn’t buy what it used to anymore. It seems like dollar menus have fewer items, even songs on iTunes are a buck twenty-nine now. Everywhere you turn the dollar seems to be losing it’s power. Except of course at the Dollar Tree.

I had the day off today and so we went to the Dollar Tree to stock up on Band Aids and gum. Each one of our thee kids picked out their own box of Band Aids. The girls went multicolored, our son wanted a box of 100. Three bucks for 200 little healing strips. What a deal. Then we spent a dollar on four packs of gum. Another great deal.

We have gone through a pack of gum and treated several boo-boos already today. (We keep Hello Kitty and Spider-Man ice packs on hand for the same reason.) Here is the good news. I just called Tori, my seven year old, to come downstairs and I only had to call her once. Success! I love it when we end the day on a positive.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Home

 

Healing Homes

13 Feb

cry out to jesusI love music. I love listening to music, I love playing music, I love watching music, I love almost any kind of music. Pandora is on more than the TV at our house. One of my favorite artists is Third Day. Some years ago they released a song called Cry Out to Jesus.

Here is the chorus for those not familiar with the song.

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
And love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus

The words to this song got me thinking about those kids in foster care and those adopted from hard places. Imagine how much they could heal in our homes if our homes were places where the helpless could find hope and the weary could find rest. Where the broken hearted could be loved. Where grace, forgiveness and mercy were freely given. Because if our homes are places where these kids can find hope, rest, love, grace, forgiveness and mercy healing is a natural result.

 
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Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Adopt, Foster, Home, Parenting

 

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

07 Feb

One of the most famous parables in the Bible is that of the Good Samaritan. It is, in fact, so famous we have Good Samaritan laws. It describes how we treat those we don’t know. It does post an interesting and difficult question. It goes to the heart of something that we contemplate for our family. Just how do I love my neighbor as myself?Duplex Housing

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

- Luke 10:25-37 (NIV)

I believe that most people view natural born children as a biological extension of themselves. I also believe that one way we can love our neighbor as ourselves is to adopt. In adoption we love children who are not biological extensions of ourselves as if they were and in doing so we follow the Lord’s command to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

We have added to our family by both birth and adoption and know the joy that both bring. Loving your neighbor as yourself does not only mean paying attention to the needs of others on occasion or around Christmas and Thanksgiving. It means treating them no differently than you treat yourself. I have wrestled with how to do that for a long time and am so thankful that the Lord showed us how to love they way He commands through our children.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2012 in Adopt, Foster, Parenting

 

Where Expectations meet Beliefs

13 Nov

A few weeks ago we heard Jayne Schooler author of Wounded Children, Healing Homes speak at a conference. She discussed parent’s expectations and foster/adoptive children’s beliefs around the same issues. Very helpful and eye opening.

Parent’s thoughts are first, kids responses are in parenthesis and italicized.

  1. Our love will be enough; it will be returned and appreciated (I don’t deserve love and care; I am damaged goods)
  2. We will feel love and connection to this child quickly (I’m not sure I’m safe here or can trust you; adults cause pain)
  3. This child will step into our family system and easily learn how to function within our rules, goals, and ambitions (I don’t understand your rules; I’ll never fit in here)
  4. This child’s needs will be just like those of our biological children (I’m not like your other kids and it’s not fair to compare)
  5. Our biological children will embrace this child as a sibling (Your other kids don’t like me and they get me in trouble)
  6. Our child will fit well into our family and be welcomed (Relatives don’t like me as much as the other kids)
  7. Our friends will validate and support us as adoptive parents (We don’t go places like we used to and everyone blames me)
  8. Our child will see us as parents and forget about birth family (I need to talk about my birth family and my losses)
  9. We can do for this child what was not done for us. We will not do to this child what was done to us (If I can’t be what you want me to be, you will abandon me)
  10. I’ll never feel regrets or ambivalence about this adoption (I never wanted to be adopted anyway)

Jayne’s Power Point is available by clicking here.

 
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Posted by on November 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Success

09 Sep

Robert Louis Stevenson wrote a great definition of success a long time ago. Which is good because that’s when he was alive.

That Man is a Success
Who has lived well,
laughed often and loved much;
Who has gained the respect of intelligent men
and the love of children;
Who has filled his niche
and accomplished his task;
Who leaves the world better than he found it,
whether by improved poppy, a perfect poem,
or a rescued soul;
Who never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty
or failed to express it.
Who looked for the best in others
and gave the best he had.

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Peace in the Valley

07 Sep

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.  (Genesis 1:1-5 NIV)

And so on and so on. Each of the six days of creation the Lord makes something good. He created land, oceans, plants, trees, sun, moon, stars, and creatures of the sea, birds, land animals and finally people. The Lord made all of those things and he made them good. That’s why we long for a return to Eden. It was good.

But people are never truly happy when things are good. We’ve got to mess things up. And that’s exactly what Adam and Eve did. Perfection wasn’t good enough and so like the rest of us they wanted what they were told they could not have. So they ate the fruit that the Lord told them not to eat. Sin and suffering entered the world because of their rebellion.

This brings me to a moment I had when we got the news that we lost our baby. In the midst of the pain and sadness my mind looked for some comfort. I found some peace in knowing that we are living in a world we were not designed to live in. We were made for a different world, a perfect world. We were not designed to live in this decay where suffering and pain. We were meant to live where there are no tears. That is of great comfort to me, that brings me peace. What brings me hope is knowing that there is a great day coming, a day of restoration when things are set right.

Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all people will see it together. (Isaiah 40:4-5 NIV)

Amen.

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

The Truth About Loss

22 Aug

Nothing ever prepares you for the deep sadness of losing a child.  Last December we had to say goodbye to a precious little boy we had hoped to keep forever.  He was a foster child in our home for 7 months and we were told we would be able to adopt him.  God had other plans.  He was reunited with his family.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we knew that God had a plan for his life.  We couldn’t understand it at the time, but we see now that he is happy and healthy in his new home.  His aunt has been gracious enough to allow us to still keep in touch and even see him on occasion.  We look forward to being part of his life for many years to come.  Not as his parents, but as a family who loves and prays for him.

Last week we experienced another loss of a child.  This child was growing in my womb.  This child we had only seen as a little blurry spot on a sonogram.  We had heard a strong heart beat and I had felt my stomach growing.  I had experienced the nausea and exhaustion that comes in the first trimester.  The other kids had come up with many names for him or her.  The one that seemed to stick with them was Elvis.  There was never a hint that anything was wrong until last weekend.  A little spotting…a little cramping.  The nurse said it was nothing to worry about.  I continued to get ready for the start of school.  God brought this verse to my head over and over again

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

We prayed for the baby.  We prayed that all would be well.  On Tuesday evening it was clear that everything was not okay.  I called my doctor and she said that,”It doesn’t sound good.”  She told me to rest that night and come in first thing in the morning.  I didn’t get much rest at all that night.  We cried a lot…we prayed a lot.  We lost our baby that night.  The next day we went to the doctor who confirmed our fears.  That was a hard day for our family.  So much sadness over a baby we never got to hold.  The rest of the verse kept coming to my head…

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have certainly felt God’s peace this week.  I don’t understand it, but He has put His arms around us and shown us that it will be okay.  I still cry a lot.  I think about the baby I never got to see.  I think about how our life could have been different. I look forward to the day I will get to see this baby and hold him/her in my arms.

 
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Posted by on August 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 
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