Nothing ever prepares you for the deep sadness of losing a child.  Last December we had to say goodbye to a precious little boy we had hoped to keep forever.  He was a foster child in our home for 7 months and we were told we would be able to adopt him.  God had other plans.  He was reunited with his family.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we knew that God had a plan for his life.  We couldn’t understand it at the time, but we see now that he is happy and healthy in his new home.  His aunt has been gracious enough to allow us to still keep in touch and even see him on occasion.  We look forward to being part of his life for many years to come.  Not as his parents, but as a family who loves and prays for him.

Last week we experienced another loss of a child.  This child was growing in my womb.  This child we had only seen as a little blurry spot on a sonogram.  We had heard a strong heart beat and I had felt my stomach growing.  I had experienced the nausea and exhaustion that comes in the first trimester.  The other kids had come up with many names for him or her.  The one that seemed to stick with them was Elvis.  There was never a hint that anything was wrong until last weekend.  A little spotting…a little cramping.  The nurse said it was nothing to worry about.  I continued to get ready for the start of school.  God brought this verse to my head over and over again

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

We prayed for the baby.  We prayed that all would be well.  On Tuesday evening it was clear that everything was not okay.  I called my doctor and she said that,”It doesn’t sound good.”  She told me to rest that night and come in first thing in the morning.  I didn’t get much rest at all that night.  We cried a lot…we prayed a lot.  We lost our baby that night.  The next day we went to the doctor who confirmed our fears.  That was a hard day for our family.  So much sadness over a baby we never got to hold.  The rest of the verse kept coming to my head…

Phil. 4:7 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I have certainly felt God’s peace this week.  I don’t understand it, but He has put His arms around us and shown us that it will be okay.  I still cry a lot.  I think about the baby I never got to see.  I think about how our life could have been different. I look forward to the day I will get to see this baby and hold him/her in my arms.

Kayla North

Kayla North is co-founder of One Big Happy Home and is considered an expert on childhood trauma. Along with her husband, she has developed training materials and programs for parents, churches, and schools educating them on trauma and its impacts. Kayla is also an affiliate trainer with Trauma Free World, an ETC Parent Trainer, TBRI practitioner, and the Executive Directory of Tapestry. She speaks at churches, schools, conferences, and retreats nationwide.