Imagine a foster family shows up to your weekly Bible study with a couple extra kids in tow. You, half-jokingly, call the family crazy for adding more kids. “Are you trying to start your own sports team?” you joke. Then your curiosity sets in and you proceed to ask lots of questions: “What happened to their parents?” “Are you going to adopt them?” “Was it drugs?” You look at the kids with eyes of pity, but after a couple of weeks, your compassion is gone.
The kids are really starting to drive you crazy. They keep touching everything. It seems even the smallest thing causes a meltdown. The foster parents let them do whatever they want. You begin to complain about the behaviors of the kids. Maybe not out loud, but to your spouse or close friends. You see one of the kids stealing food and you lecture them about right and wrong. When the family tells you it has been a rough day, you say “if only you were allowed to spank those kids…” and then you laugh a little. The foster parents seem stressed, but you chalk it up to the stress of being a parent. All parents are stressed. They did choose to add more kids, so if they can’t handle it maybe they should stop fostering. You may even ask if they have thought about how this stress is affecting their other kids.
Can I just say that none of that is helpful?
These parents have stepped into a messy space. A space filled with trauma and loss. Tears and tantrums. A space filled with new parenting techniques that seem foreign to most. They have chosen to open their home to the most vulnerable kids. They want their home to be a place of healing. They spend countless hours helping these precious little ones feel safe. They have more appointments than you could even imagine. Doctors, dentists, therapists, caseworkers, attorneys, and CASA. Going on a date or out with friends is much harder than it used to be since even the sitter must take classes and go through background checks.
We, the Church need to step up for these families and these vulnerable children. We encourage families to foster and adopt and then leave them feeling isolated and without hope. The church should be circling around these families and helping them care for these precious little ones. It is messy. It is hard. It is necessary. Day after day I hear stories of foster and adoptive families that are holding on for dear life. When will we, the Church, step up and care for these families?
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. – James 1:27
Not everyone is called to be a foster parent, but we are all called to do something. To care for these kids and the families who have stepped into that space to foster.
So how can YOU care for these families “in their distress?”
- Listen and Pray. It is tempting to offer advice to adoptive and foster parents on how to handle situations with kids, but more helpful would be to simply listen. Often times we just need someone to see us and our kids without judgment. Listen to our concerns and struggles and then pray for those things.
- Offer your service. Many times adoptive and foster parents are so busy meeting their kids’ needs, they forget to take care of themselves and/or they fall behind on household chores. Offer to do a load of laundry, take a meal, or get licensed to babysit so they can have a date night.
- Educate yourself. Do a little research on trauma and how it impacts kids. I highly recommend The Connected Child. Learn correct adoption language (ie: birth mom instead of real mom, child in foster care instead of foster kid, etc)
- Become a foster/adoptive parent. This is not for everyone, but for those who feel God tugging on your heart, stop talking about it and do something.
How will you, church family, step up and care for these families who are caring for vulnerable children?
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Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Kayla North is co-founder of One Big Happy Home and is considered an expert on childhood trauma. Along with her husband, she has developed training materials and programs for parents, churches, and schools educating them on trauma and its impacts. Kayla is also an affiliate trainer with Trauma Free World, an ETC Parent Trainer, TBRI practitioner, and the Executive Directory of Tapestry. She speaks at churches, schools, conferences, and retreats nationwide.
Amen sister!