Tell Me Why

There is a question we always ask parents we work with, “Why do you parent the way you do?” After all, understanding why you do what you do is more important than understanding how you do it. You can’t change the “How” if you don’t understand the “Why”.

We typically get some combination of these five answers:

1. It’s what my friends do
2. It’s what my church teaches
3. It’s what the Bible says
4. It’s what the parenting books say
5. It’s the way I was raised

Those all sound good and true, but none of those are the primary drivers of our parenting. They are secondary at best. There is something else that motivates us to parent the way we do.

It’s the reason we threaten our kids through clenched teeth at the grocery store. It’s the reason we yell and shame. It’s the reason we are punitive. It’s the reason we draw lines in the sand. 

The reason we parent the way we do is…we want other people to think we are good parents. 

I remember asking the “Why do you parent the way you do?” question to a class of parents a few years ago. We got the usual answers from the list of five shared earlier, but we got a sixth one that evening. A young mom at the back of the room said, “I parent the way I do because I want other people to think I’m a good parent”.

I thanked her for her honesty and courage.

We parents believe that what our kids say and do is a reflection of our parenting abilities. We know that we are being judged by those close to us and by complete strangers too. That is why we want “well behaved” and “compliant” children who “do as they are told” when we speak.

I don’t have kids like that, I wasn’t a kid like that, and honestly, I’m still not that kid. 

What I want are kids who know their parents love them no matter what they say or do. I want my kids to know there is no mountain we can’t climb together. I want them to know that we are allies not adversaries, and even though there may consequences (natural or logical) we are on their side.

So why do you parent the way you do?