Let’s talk about saying yes more often to our kids. I know what you’re thinking – “I say yes to my kids all the time!”
But do you really?
How often do you say no to your kids out of convenience? How often do you say no to your kids because you don’t want to clean up the mess that will be made from what they do? How often do you say no simply because we are rigid in the way we think about certain things?
Many times, our kids hear no over and over again. As parents, we want our kids to come to us and ask for things and use their voice to get their needs met. When they do this and are met with “no” more frequently than “yes,” they often begin to use their behaviors instead, and we get mad.
The reality is, if we can listen to their voice more often when they ask in respectful ways, we can collect yesses in our “yes bank” so that our “no” is met with more understanding.
When you begin to say yes to your kids more often, it begins to build trust. And of course, we don’t mean say yes to “buy me this” “take me here” type of demands, or unreasonable requests. But when our kids ask for our time, our attention, or our connection, it is worth considering before we jump to no.
Sometimes we have to put parameters on that. If one of your kids asks you to play a game at 1:50 pm and you have a meeting at 2:00, you could say something like “Yes, I will play a game, but I only have 5 minutes. What can we play for 5 minutes?” or “I can’t play right now, let’s play it at 4:00 this afternoon!”
Another way to respond is to make a “Yes sandwich.” You can make a “yes sandwich” if you can’t say yes in the moment. It takes a little practice, but basically you sandwich the “no” in between saying “yes.” You can see this as “Yes, No, Yes.” This lets them hear that “Mom will spend time with me, just not right now, we will get to play a game.” and will help create trust in our relationship when you follow through.
So, when your kid asks you for something, especially if they’re asking to do something with you, ask yourself – why would I say no? Consider if you can say yes, even if you have to set parameters on your yes.
Learn more about saying yes more in our Empowered Parent TV Episode.
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Kayla North is co-founder of One Big Happy Home and is considered an expert on childhood trauma. Along with her husband, she has developed training materials and programs for parents, churches, and schools educating them on trauma and its impacts. Kayla is also an affiliate trainer with Trauma Free World, an ETC Parent Trainer, TBRI practitioner, and the Executive Directory of Tapestry. She speaks at churches, schools, conferences, and retreats nationwide.