Getting to the Heart of Behaviors

When faced with challenging behaviors where do we begin? Connected parenting says to look for the need behind the behavior. Another way to say this is

What’s at the heart of this behavior?

It can be hard to figure out how to address the challenging behaviors, but here are some practical steps we can take to tackle ANY challenging behavior:

What is the behavior communicating?

Behavior is our child’s way of communicating a need. Often times our kids don’t have the words or the skills to communicate what they need in an appropriate way, so they use behaviors instead. Our job is to do some detective work to figure out what they need.

It could be something as simple as a physical need like being hungry or tired, or it could be more complex like needing reassurance that you won’t leave them.

Once we can identify what the behavior is communicating we are more prepared to address the need.

What is my plan?

Once we have identified the communication behind the behavior we can make a plan for how to begin to address the need. You will need both a proactive strategy and an appropriate response in the moment. Having a plan will keep you accountable to use the strategies you want to use, and will also keep you on the same page as your spouse or others on your support team. 

How can I be proactive?

Often times behaviors can be prevented if we do the work ahead of time. Proactive strategies can include meeting physical needs like frequent healthy snacks, plenty of water, and adequate sleep. We can also make sure to include sensory breaks to help with self-regulation and calming from a preventative perspective.

Another way to be proactive is to teach the skills your child needs to be successful, and practice the tools you want your kids to use. For instance, if your child has a hard time accepting no, you can practice (during a calm moment) accepting no using a game. You can also use games like red light/green light or Simon Says to teach listening and following direction skills.

Anything taught in a playful way is much more likely to leave a lasting impression on our kids. As we teach things proactively to our kids we are creating memory ‘pegs’ that we can refer back to in times of dysregulation.

How can I respond appropriately to inappropriate or unwanted behaviors?

We can’t anticipate every behavior or prevent every meltdown, so we have to know how to respond from a place of calm. We need to use the appropriate level of response for the behavior.

Low-level behaviors should be met with playfulness and a chance to redo the interaction in a more appropriate way. If you’ve been teaching skills proactively, this is the perfect opportunity to refer back to those memory ‘pegs’ or use a script you’ve used before such as ‘gentle and kind’ or ‘with respect.’

Higher-level behaviors will need a different approach in order to help your child calm. You should be more firm with your tone (not aggressive) and offer opportunities for choices, compromises, and/or calming. With kids who are physically aggressive you will need a safety plan to keep everyone safe.

With all behaviors, you need to pay close attention to your own responses. Based on your own history you may find that certain behaviors trigger you and evoke a bigger reaction than what is needed. When this happens, pay attention to what happened and why that behavior may have triggered you.

Do your best to make sense of it so you can respond better the next time. This may be simply talking about it with a trusted friend, or you may need the help of a professional counselor to make sense of it.

Either way doing your part to respond to your kids with kindness and compassion will go a long way in building the relationships you want and need.