Teachable Moments
Often in parenting we are looking for “teachable moments” where we can help our kids learn something from a mistake. The biggest problem with this is that when these moments happen our kids are dysregulated and not able to learn from their mistakes. We have to take a moment and help them calm and respond with connection before we can teach.
Have you ever told your kiddo to stop running in the house only to have them get hurt a few minutes later because they were running in the house? So frustrating! My default response is, “I told you not to run in the house!” or “See what happens when you run in the house?” But anytime I have responded that way, it has been met with louder screams, more tears, and my kid usually gets upset too! 😉 Seriously though, it doesn’t work.
They simply cannot hear my correction in that moment. What they need from me in that moment is to get down on their level and comfort them, empathize with the hurt they are feeling, and then we can begin to ask them question to reconnect to their upstairs brain.
For a young child this might look something like this:
Me: Oh sweetie, it looks like you scraped your leg.
Child: <sniff, sniff> uh huh
Me: I’ve hurt myself before and I cried too. Let me get you a bandaid. Can you tell me what happened?
Child: I was running to get the ball and then I slipped and scraped my leg on the coffee table.
Me: I am so sorry that you got hurt. I don’t like it when I fall and get hurt. Does that bandaid help?
Child: It feels a little better now.
Me: Remember how I say we shouldn’t run in the house? It’s because I love you and don’t want you to get hurt. Can we practice getting the ball without running?
We can get to a place of teaching or correcting, but ONLY once we have comforted and brought the upstairs brain back online.
Can this work with teens and young adults? Absolutely! Imagine your teen comes home angry and yelling about his stupid boss and how he quit his job. You are pretty frustrated because you’ve talked about no making decisions in anger, but instead of a lecture, try this:
Me: Wow, that really stinks. You must have felt really frustrated by that situation. Can I make you something to eat and you can tell me about it?
Teen: Yes! He makes me so mad and I can’t deal with it anymore!
Me: I totally understand feeling misunderstood and not valued at work.
Teen: Yeah, every time I try to make a suggestion about something he doesn’t listen to me and then I get so mad I just want to quit.
Me: I understand. Remember our conversation last week about not making big decisions when you’re angry?
Teen: Yeah. I probably should have cooled down first. Do you think I can go back and see if they will let me stay?
Me: I think it’s worth a try.
This approach helps our teens and young adults feel seen and heard in their frustration or their bad decision. It may not be this quick and easy, but this approach will work.
Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential Model refers to this as the 3R’s:
- First we Regulate
- Second we Relate
- Third we Reason
If we start at the top of this triangle we are working against ourselves. Using this ‘bottom up’ approach allows the child to be soothed and gets their brain in a place to learn.
So instead of reacting to behavior and trying to use these teachable moments, try being more proactive to teach skills and use this 3 R’s approach in the moment.
Check out our YouTube video on proactive vs. reactive parenting below and let us know what you think!
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Kayla North is co-founder of One Big Happy Home and is considered an expert on childhood trauma. Along with her husband, she has developed training materials and programs for parents, churches, and schools educating them on trauma and its impacts. Kayla is also an affiliate trainer with Trauma Free World, an ETC Parent Trainer, TBRI practitioner, and the Executive Directory of Tapestry. She speaks at churches, schools, conferences, and retreats nationwide.