Compliance or Relationship?

Often moms will vent to me about how sick they are of kids arguing with everything they ask them to do. They just want them to do what they are asked to do without an attitude. I can totally relate! I have those days when all I want is compliance. Just one time that I ask my kids to do something and I don’t get the eye rolls, whining, or arguing. Where my kids are more like those big families on TV where everyone says, “Yes ma’am” and obeys.

But is that really what a want? When I really consider this question I always come back to “No.” I want kids who use their voice. I want kids who understand authority but aren’t fearful of authority.  So we have chosen a different approach. As parents, we are the ones who determine the outcomes we want, but we allow our kids to help direct the path we travel.

For example, I ask the kids to take their laundry upstairs and they could respond in a few different ways:

1. Jump up excitedly and say “yes ma’am” while quickly doing what I asked them to do. (highly unlikely)
2. Do what I asked while complaining. (more likely)
3. Pretend not to hear me resulting in me having to nag them to get it done and both of us being mad. (most likely)

OR, they could ask for a compromise.

Child: “Hey mom, could I have a compromise?”

Me:  “What’s your compromise?”

Child: “Could I have 5 more minutes to play and then put away the laundry?”

Mom: “Sure. Let me set the timer and when it goes off you need to stop and put away the laundry.”

Do I still get the laundry put away? Yep.

Does my child feel like they got a say?  Yep. WIN-WIN!

Sometimes I offer this suggestion only to hear from the moms, “But I just want my kids to do what I say.”

….and to moms who say that I want to challenge you by asking… How is that working for you? Are you constantly battling with your kids to do this?  Isn’t it worth trying something new?

Another objection I hear is, “But that’s not the real world. My kids need to learn to obey.”

Consider a situation at work when your boss comes into your office and asks you to complete a task for them. Do you always stop what you are doing right away and do it? Or do you sometimes say, “Sure!  Give me a few minutes to finish what I’m working on and I’ll get right on it.” or “Can I get that to you by the end of the day?” Isn’t that a compromise?

Simply giving our kids a way to ask for what they want in a respectful way, instead of arguing gives them a voice. It teaches them to negotiate their needs and trains them for the real world where compromises happen on a daily basis.

My job as a mom is to train my kids and build a relationship that will last far beyond childhood. I can simply seek compliance or focus on relationships and building skills.

Negotiating wants and needs is a natural stage of development for kids. We can fight against it and insist on compliance, or we can teach our kids a respectful way to ask for what they need. My kids know that I can’t always give a compromise, but they also know that they can always ask.