I remember as a young foster mom struggling with really tough behaviors. Having never had kids before I wasn’t sure what was typical kid stuff and what was a result of trauma. I did have one persistent thought. I wasn’t up to the task. I felt overwhelmed and tired from constant meltdowns and rages that sometimes lasted an hour. I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a mom. I found myself yelling and frustrated daily. Certainly not the mom I thought I would be. Not the mom I wanted to be.
I mentioned to my friends and family members the meltdowns and they said things like, “Oh the terrible twos!” or “My kid melts down too.” I think somewhere deep inside I knew that what I was experiencing was not normal, but these comments made me feel like I should be able to handle it. Like all kids do this and I just need to suck it up.
Looking back on those days I realize that one thing my friends and family really lacked was education. They were well-meaning and wanted to listen, but the words they said and the advice they gave only served to make me feel worse and more isolated.
Three things I wish they understood
- Trauma changes the brain.
While on the outside my kids may appear to have typical childhood behaviors, the intensity, duration, and frequency of the behaviors is anything but typical. So when you see my child doing something and you think, “My kid would never do…” chances are we are working on it and doing the best we can. - Traditional parenting techniques do not work for my kid.
I can appreciate that many of my friends and family ‘successfully’ raised kids using traditional parenting methods like spanking, time out, and other punitive measures, these methods are not ideal for kids who have experienced trauma (and quite honestly aren’t ideal for any kids…but that’s a post for another day). Because of our kids’ unique history, they need different, more connected methods that may seem strange to other parents. - True support comes from empathetic listening and a willingness to learn.
I certainly appreciated the offers to bring a meal, babysit for a few hours, or pray for our family. But sometimes, what I really needed, was a non-judgemental, non-advice-giving ear to just listen. I needed to not feel crazy for just a few minutes and for someone to tell me that what was happening was really hard. I needed someone to offer to go to a class or read whatever book so they could better understand my kids.
So, if you find yourself wishing the people in your life understood, you are not alone. If you have people willing to learn, we’d love to walk beside you and help educate them. Our Basics of Trauma Informed Care is a FREE one-hour webinar for those new to trauma-informed care including caregivers, friends, family, and teachers.
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Kayla North is co-founder of One Big Happy Home and is considered an expert on childhood trauma. Along with her husband, she has developed training materials and programs for parents, churches, and schools educating them on trauma and its impacts. Kayla is also an affiliate trainer with Trauma Free World, an ETC Parent Trainer, TBRI practitioner, and the Executive Directory of Tapestry. She speaks at churches, schools, conferences, and retreats nationwide.