Magic Button

It is not unusual for one caregiver to embrace connected parenting before the other. The resulting rub often yields friction that cuts through all aspects of your relationship. This is a difficult place to be, but you are not alone.

After presenting on trauma-informed care to our community (way to show up, Sioux Falls!), a participant approached me asking for a “magic button.” Though her request was tongue in cheek, her desire was not. The husband she loved was unable to move into a connected parenting mindset. Her heart grieved this missed opportunity for their family to move forward in health. 

She felt stuck because he was stuck.  

We tend to parent the way we were parented. Truth. Science. Your neurological pathways are well-worn: all behaviors need consequences, fear and shame are excellent motivators, and “because I said so” is sufficient. 

Imagine the following scenario with me, will you? You are standing on a three-story platform about to go down a waterslide. (Do your best to forget the hard work of getting up here, wet suit, slippery little kids cutting the line, and flesh-overload for your eyes. You know what I mean – I can’t be the only one). Atop this platform, you know exactly what to do. You go down the waterslide. It is easy. Effortless. It takes no conscious thought.  

Then one random Tuesday, your partner reads a book, attends a conference, or listens to a podcast and they ask you to take an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAY down from the 3-story platform. That’s bananas, right? Why would you traverse down slippery rocks where there is a slide you could slip down so easily? Your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents used the waterslides their whole life, and look how great you turned out! Besides, the waterslides are working for some of your kids.  

But the waterslides are not working for all of your kids.  

And in your heart of hearts, you know that power and control, inflexibility, and sidelining your kids’ unique needs isn’t the familial atmosphere you dreamt of either.  

As you approach your reluctant partner, please remember this is a big ask. If we are honest, even the most knowledgeable and experienced trauma-informed caregiver still fights this mental model in their mind. It took us a lot of practice to view behavior as communication rather than willful disobedience. It will take them some time as well.   

The good news is that our old brains can learn new tricks. And the more we practice connected parenting, the more it will become our default. So when you see even a hint of connected parenting from your reluctant loved one, praise the pants off it.