Avoiding the Trap of Isolation

It’s easy to fall into the trap of isolation.

As an adoptive or foster parent, there are times when we wish our friends and family could read our minds, sparing us the need to explain our emotions, challenges, and reactions to our children’s behaviors. There are moments when exhaustion overwhelms us, leaving us unable to filter through our feelings, let alone explain them. We long to feel seen, heard, and understood, but it’s complicated.

We are wired for connection. We crave relationships. We desire to be known and understood. We don’t want to be alone. 

Our desire for connection becomes ever more apparent when we consider the impact of trauma on our children. We want to create a safe place for our children to learn, trust, connect, heal, and be themselves. This is a HARD job because we can’t guarantee the outcome and carrying the weight of that responsibility can feel very lonely. We can even start to isolate ourselves because the effort of trying to explain becomes too hard. 

The lie that we have to face hard things alone, or that no one can ever understand can be overwhelming. 

This notion is a fallacy, my friend, a flat-out lie. Lies thrive in the dark, they multiply when we keep them hidden. 

“I could have handled that situation with my child better” transforms into “I am the worst parent to exist.” 

“I don’t know how to help my child” evolves into “I’ll never get this right.” 

When we hold on to our struggles and keep ourselves locked away we are missing out on the incredible gift of sharing our vulnerabilities. Our difficulties actually serve as an encouragement to others that no one has it all together. I promise you that no one has a magic formula.

I’m not suggesting that relationships are easy, but I am saying they are worth every ounce of effort. As the Bible tells us “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) We are better in community. 

If you have fostered or adopted you’ve likely run into well-meaning individuals who shared how much they admire what you are doing and then slip in a casual “I could never do that”. They likely mean well but it implies that they see you as this superhero who has it all together while they are just regular people. This makes it very hard to ask for help, or even admit to others that it’s hard. It’s a lonely place to be. Because let’s face it, when we are being honest with ourselves, we know that we fail more than we succeed, we yell more than we would like to admit, and the number of times we have to apologize to our kids far out numbers the very stars in the sky… (At least it feels that way to me!)

Trying to explain that is hard and feels like more trouble than it’s worth. It’s so very lonely.

But we are not alone.

We have to fight the lie. We’ve got to choose the path to finding our people. Not everyone is going to understand what we are going through, but that doesn’t mean that we have to give up on finding community.

Here are a few things that have been a lifeline in my life to navigate not feeling so alone. 

1. Keep going. Don’t give up. Even if the last several friendships or people you have tried having community with haven’t worked out the way you dreamed, don’t stop trying. Be kind to yourself, especially if there has been hurt in past relationships, but don’t give up.
2. Reject the lie. Don’t believe that if someone hasn’t walked the exact same path as you they couldn’t understand. Plenty of people can have empathy for things they have never experienced. That is, after all, what empathy is. Give people a chance to get to know you. It may have to be slowly but God can use people you wouldn’t expect to be a comfort and blessing to you.
3. Give yourself a break. If you are an adoptive or foster mom, remember that is not “all” that you are. Spend some time thinking about things that you like or enjoy that don’t revolve around your children or life stage (medical appts, social workers, behaviors, triggers, trauma, etc.) and invest in those things. Like playing Pickleball? Find time to play it. Enjoy Crafting? Make some crafting friends who share in your joy!
4. Accept support. When we are in the middle of hard things with our kids it may feel easier to take on that burden alone, but we often risk our own sanity in the process. We are not designed to do this life alone. If nothing else, showing our kids that taking care of ourselves, nurturing friendships, and finding time to do things we enjoy is worthwhile. We are gifting our children with a valuable lesson on building their own community one day.

Don’t fall into the trap of isolation. It’s hard, but you can do it. I’m cheering you on.